One of the things about adoption

My house is Sickville right now.  Winter colds have 3 of us and I'm sure the other two aren't far behind. 
We took Mason (& Dylan) to the doctor today.  This was Mason's second trip in less then a week.  He has a icky cold, that regular antibiotics was just not kicking.  So why is this blog worthy??

Because with adoption you have limited family history, and in Mason's case no birth father history.  So when I gave him the first dose of Amoxcillian (sp?...and I'm too sick to go look at the bottle to see how to spell it) I was anxious to see how he'd react.  He did OK.  We changed to another medication and he got prickly raised bumps. It could be a virus or a reaction to the medication, we just don't know.  I know with any child, Bio or adopted, there are a lot of "wait and sees".  And with Mason it's wait, see, listen, and learn.  I want the answer to so many questions that only God knows and only time will tell...like:

Could he be allergic to peanut butter?
Glasses?
heart murmur closing?
veggie eater?
oh and so much more about who he'll be ( but that's for another post :)

With adoption you take a risk, and it's SO worth it.  So with each new medicine, detergent, or food we try we will watch our precious Mason carefully, and we will learn.

Dear Mason,

With your first Christmas coming to an end, I wanted to share with you how much it meant to have you here with us.  You have added so much to our life and our family.

You've added a couple more ornaments to the tree:

another stocking to our stairway, and another boy in Christmas jammies by our tree:

You have melted our hearts:



and embraced the true meaning of Christmas (literally):

but our biggest lesson this season has been the glimpse into God 's amazing love.  

Merry Christmas sweet baby!  I know the whole family would agree...Our greatest gift this Christmas is you!! 

Baby Jesus

Our church's Christmas program was even more exciting this year because of our real "baby Jesus"

As "Mary" laid "baby Jesus" in the manger for the Shepard's to admire, Mason looked up and smiled at all his admirers. 
Actor in the making????  :o)

Notice to wide eyed cow in the back, what you can't see is the florescent pig that also accented the manger.... It was a great program!!

So nice...

Let's start with the most important...Mason is SMILING!!! and cooing.  He smiled 3 times today, twice in response to people.  This is a huge milestone to him and so encouraging to us...God is so good!

In other fun news:
Tonight we went out as a family in our tiny car (so we could all sit close and talk).

We got in our jammies

We armed ourselves with hot chocolate

And we piled into the car.
We drove around for about an hour, getting lost, singing carols, and by the end of the trip biting fingers...don't ask :o)

It wasn't perfect but it was just what our family needed. With so much to do and all of us still adjusting to life as a family of five with two working parents, this was our perfect.  I love hearing the laughs in the back seat.  This Mommy needed tonight! 

Again God is so good!!

Back to work

So I went back to work today.  I am so lucky to not only have a job I love but am able to bring my baybe with me.  He stays in the infant room and I can snuggle with him whenever I want.  He did great, slept most of the time, but being a baby is hard work. 

You know who struggled the most...the 9 year old. 
For 6 weeks I picked him up from school.
For 6 weeks I helped him with his homework, took him to karate, and made dinner.
For 6 weeks he got to play with the neighborhood friends, listen to his books, and play Lego's with his brother.  Today that changed and he felt it.

I came home to a very tense house.  Tears, tantrums, and uneaten dinners.  Tyler's world was rough today.  When I got home, we snuggled, talked about our struggles, and were reminded that God is there, all we have to do is ask. 

As our family adjusts to me going back to work, I will work extra hard to remind my children that I'm here, that Jesus is here, and we love them VERY much!

One step closer

Today was the court date for TPR; Termination of Parental Rights. 

My thoughts went to Mason's birth mother; at this time she no longer has rights to him.  I am sad for her and know that this is what she wanted for him.  I am forever grateful for her discussion not to abort this baby.  I'm so thankful to God for allowing us to parent him.

The Judge terminated rights which brings us one step closer to becoming his forever family.  We have two more social worker visits, and a court date in the spring, but we have been his forever family since the day we found out he was coming to us.  We love him so much.

I have to admit I did a little dance while I cried tears of joy today.  I never expected to feel the emotions I felt.  yes relieved, happy sure but I felt pure ELATION!! 

Ahhhhh.  I will sleep good tonight! :o)

Putting the tree up with one more ornament!

Tree went up today...

With one more ornament on it..

Our tree is complete!

It was so special to add an ornament to the tree that last Christmas we didn't even imagine would happen.  God is so good, his timing is perfect and we are so Grateful!!

Merry Christmas!

On a side note: Dylan then announced our tree looks like a bomb.

I asked a good bomb or a bad bomb...

a bad bomb that blew up...

Oh well, I love it

(someday we might have a kids tree in their room and we'll need all the ornaments)



Baptism

Today was a special day! 

At the time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan.  As Jesus was coming up out of the water he saw heaven being torn open And The Spirit descending on him like a dove.  And a voice came from heaven, "You are my son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.
Mark 1:9-11

The greatest part was that my dad was included in the officiating (like he has been for the other two boys) and he not only got choked-up when pouring the water on his head, but after making the sign of the cross on his ear and lips he bent down to kiss his forehead.  It was such a thing of pure beauty!!

Being that we forgot our camera we don't have any pictures of the ceremony.  But luckily phones with cameras were available afterwards for group shots.

Welcome to God's Family Mason Peter. 

P.s.  Termination of parental rights happens Tuesday!!! :o)

A week (or so) in review

Seems like so long since my last blog.  Without being able to post pictures I feel a little held back but let's see what I can recall about the last week or so:
Mason had his first shots with us anyway and it broke our hearts to see this content trusting baby jump when poked with a needle (and I have to take him back two more times for a shot).  We are spacing them out because he is so little so we are doing one a week for three weeks.  :o(

Thanksgiving.  It is one of my favorite holidays, and this year even more so.  Mason looked so cute in his Gobble, Gobble, Gobble outfit, but again since I can't post pictures you'll have to trust me.  I was so relaxed this year, kids playing, people chatting, bonding happening. Just fabulous!  Next year Mason eats Turkey. 

We had a eye dr appointment for Mason.  His eyes don't really come together and this may resolve itself in the next couple of months or he might need surgery...only time will tell.  Also his eyes look healthy but we won't know till he's older if his brain is allowing him to see & focus.  We pray that whatever God's will, he will give us the wisdom to help Mason shine. 

Tyler is going for his green belt Friday, which is a big deal because it means parents no longer attend the graduations.  He begins to do Karate for himself now rather then an audience.  Tyler is so excited for the challenge, and it will be so good for him.

And last but not least, Steve & Dylan join the black belt club in Karate, which is not only a cool uniform change, but the ability to learn weapons training.  They are both really excited and Mason and I will be investing in earplugs to save us from all the karate shouting that I'm sure will increase.  :o)

Over all the greatest event this last week or so has been the love from our family and friends.  From cribs, to showers, to meals and hugs... we can't say enough thank you's.  We all are blessed to have you!

For the coming week...in case I forget to blog (hehehe):

I hope we can find more family time for us.  I know with going back to work next week this will be tough, but it's the thing I'll miss the most. 



Happy week Y'all!

Teary

I get teary sometimes when I look at Mason sleeping on me.  Hearing his noisy little snore, watching his little chin go up and down, and I feel SO VERY Blessed!!!

When Mason's little fingers wrap around mine, my heart melts.  Babies are so precious and this baby makes my heart sing.  To watch his brothers love on him, can turn any day around. 

I am so thankful God let me be a Mommy.  And a Mommy of 3 is beyond my sweetest dreams!!!

Thank you Jesus!!!!

What's in a name??

Since we found out our little boy was going to be ours...he's been called Mason.  His foster mommy started using it then, the social workers, and our friends did.  He's our Mason.
This name has been with us for about 2 years now, long before we were ever called to adopt. 

But there is a snafu
He has a social security card in another name. 

Which means legally he's Alex.  To the insurance company and doctors office.  And for some reason that breaks my heart a little.  I know it's a silly reason....
and come March or April when the adoption is finalized he will be Mason forever. 

No real incite to share or fitting Bible verse, sometimes this process creates feelings and emotions I just didn't know were there and not really sure they have a name :o)

Ummmm, yeah

OK so I can officially say there are now points in my day where I feel overwhelmed with 3 children.  My expectations are too high, too much on my plate, and too many finger nails and toe nails I need to remember to clip. 

I'll be fine... I have just begun to make lots of lists. 

I also begin to work a little this week, and have parent teacher conferences, and a karate tournament (that most of the family is participating in), and am preparing for Thanksgiving, and planning a baptism, and, and, and... I could go on but thats not whats overwhelming me.

Know what it sadly is.....perfectionism.  I want everything to look perfect, I want my kids to act perfect, I want the dog to behave perfect... and it can't possibly live up to my standards.  So I am letting it go.  My kids are GREAT, they are kids.  My sink is full of dishes, but bottles are clean. My dog is...well herself and she just loves us so much she wants to be involved in it all.
My job is to be a servent of the Lord, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend, a therapist, etc.  I will work diligently for that which pleases the Lord and I will leave the rest for when there is time. 

Adoption is a process..see I'm learning! :o)

So very, very sad!

I'm standing in the shower today and I realized I threw the brown bag away. 

No biggie right? 

It was the bag that held one of the only pieces that connected us to his first two days of life.  I threw the bag away that had a piece of his hospital bracelet in it. Trash pick up was yesterday.  It's lost forever and
I am so sad!!  I feel awful!!!

It was a connection to the birth mother and his story.  A part of his story we weren't around for and now it's gone.  And I am just sick about it.  ugh!!!

What we could have missed!

This has been a whirlwind first couple of weeks.  With a record breaking snow storm in October that knocked out our power for 8 days, I have lots of stories to tell our young boy when he grows up about his first week in our family. 

I have taken so many pictures of our little guy that when I get a baby book it will be FULL! 

We have gotten everything we dreamed of.  The scrunchy feet when you pick him up, the sweet smell of baby, and when he hiccups he sounds just like a squeak toy! :o) 

When I think of what we could have missed because of fear, it makes me cry! If we had let the fear of adoption, the unknown, or special needs stop us, we would never have gotten this special gift. The Lord is so very good!

I know my skeptics out there will say "but it hasn't even been 2 weeks. After the honeymoon wears off then lets talk." I know there will be struggles, pain and tears...and he is still the greatest gift! 

I can't wait for the rest...
the TPR court date should be scheduled in the next week or so for the beginning of December,
Back to work
Thanksgiving
Christmas
the finilization of adoption
and the rest of his life...


 

Week one

I have my precious baby sitting with me right now.  and I can't imagine our life without him!  He has been such a trooper with the last 5 days of no power and being moved around all over the place.  His brothers are so in love, they check on him when they get up and can't pass him without giving him a kiss.  Daddy has had to learn baby stuff all over again, and loves just looking at him.

He has begun to look in our eyes, can lift his head like a champ, and sleeps 8 hour clips at night sometimes.  We have been so blessed by this precious edition!!  We thank God everyday for this gift, our prayers 2 be five have been answered! 

Gotcha Day!!!

Today we drove to the Foster mommy's house to pick up our bundle.  We unfortunately can't post any pictures till the adoption is finalized, (so you'll have to take my word for it) he is just perfect.  God is so good and we are so lucky to get this precious 6 lbs gift. 

It has been overwhelming and great all at the same time. 

We. Are. So. In. Love

Thank you all for your prayers, gifts, and love. 

Thursday is SO far away.

Today we got the most glorious news...

We will be getting a itty bitty baby boy on Thursday.  Yep, Thursday.

He has spent the first three and a half weeks with a loving foster mommy who snuggled him, loved him, and took care of him, preparing him for us.  We are so grateful!!

The Lord works in such splendid ways.  Things couldn't have been timed better. 

As we prepare for the newest additions, we sing hallelujah, rejoice in this gift, and will enjoy our last three nights of full sleep.  :o)

The WAIT

We have a whole weekend to wait. 
We have three adorable pictures, that we constantly look at. I can't wait to show everyone. 

We have amazing friends who are praying, encouraging, concerned, donating, and preparing. 
And we are so nervous that things won't go as planned; we are afraid to prepare...to dream.  BUT the Lord has this little guy in his hands and no matter what happens from here he's touched our hearts.
*so mushy and clesha I know, but if you were where we are, yurning, aching for this little boy, you'd say the same thing.lol*

Progress

Tonight we talked with the Social Worker to change our home study to be able to adopt a child with special needs. 
As we talked about our resources, plans, and the discussions with our pediatrician I grew ever more vigilant that this baby belongs here. 

I'm not nieve enough to think that this will be easy.  Nor am I bold enough to say we aren't scared.  This baby we are praying for has needs.  Maybe not so evident yet but his needs may at times become all consuming and uncomfortable in his later years.  And I know that the Lord is calling us to be a little uncomfortable, to go beyond comfort, and will hold us through our tough times. 

This baby deserves a family and we deserve him.  If all the pieces fall into place he could be in our arms next week...
If the pieces don't fall into place we fall into a holding pattern (whatever that means).  I don't like this senerio...so let's focus on the first one shall we :o)

Maybe Baby

There is a chance that our baby is sleeping tonight just an hour away from us.  That thought kills me!!!  We are waiting for the birth mom to sign the TPR papers and that won't happen till at least Thursday (if she doesn't go "missing" again).  There is no guarantee he will join our family BUT there is a very good chance.  Since we haven't been officially matched ...

tomorrow our profile will be shown to another birth mother. 

There are too many "what if's". 
My head is spinning,
My heart is hoping,
and My body is waiting to hold our baby. 

For now all we can do is wait and pray, knowing that soon this chapter of God's plan will be revealed to us. 

Excited anticipation, fear, and prayers

I get so excited every time we know our profile is being shown.  Is this OUR child??  So far each answer has been "no".  As hard as it is at that moment, I know that this is not where God wants that baby and we move on.  With that being said...

We are being shown to 3 birth parents this week.  AHHHH.  It's so much harder to wait when we know we are being shown right now.  With all this anticipation, I can use this time to reflect :o)

We have grown so much in this process of letting the Lord lead us.  Let me count the ways:

1. My once-non- negotiable- about- money husband is willing to take on more risky situations, being comforted by the fact that God is in control and that if the adoption does not go through God knows best and just maybe that birth mother needed the financial support more then we did.
2. We are willing to take situations that we once wouldn't consider.  Is this scary? you betcha...and when I read up on all the side issues of said situations on the Internet it gets even scarier.  BUT I know the Lord wouldn't place a child in our family if we couldn't handle it and we have a great support system with whom God has placed wisdom as one of their strong suits. 
3. We no longer fear the "money" part.  God has always provided and I know he will continue.
4. We saw this year (an only this year) as my year to lessen my hours to provide the home support our family so desperately needs.   We have opened our hearts to the likely hood that this may be a much more permanent thing and that our job is to raise our children however the Lord leads us to.
5. I have written before about our surrender to His will and we continue to find more and more to surrender.

We continue to lift up the birth families that will view our profile and make their decision.  I pray that if it's possible for them to parent that they are offered the services they need to do that.  If it is truly best to place for adoption, I pray that they find peace in their decision and that they can continue to be a part of their child's life through pictures and updates. 

My final request is for prayers.  I ask for them a lot because I know prayer WORKS!!  Whatever the decisons made this week, I will continue to be patient for God's time and surrender our hearts, minds, & life to him.

Money or No Money

When  your heart is called to adopt there is a fire that burns inside.  For us, our fire started out as a pilot light and turned into a raging wild fire.  We want to help children everywhere in. so. many. ways.  Then struck with the reality of how much adoption costs, we wonder HOW?  How can we do this?  God is great BUT...???

In our latest adventure we have given God the "but" and put our faith exclusively in Him.  We were recently presented with two situations both costing $10,000 more then we have budgeted for.  You read that right...3 zeros.

In the first months of adoption we wouldn't have even considered these situations, our faith wasn't as strong.  We don't have that much money, nor could we get a loan for that much, BUT today we offer our profiles knowing that if either of these children are the children meant for us that there is no stopping us.  God will provide as he ALWAYS has. And we will go wherever our child is.

I could go into a long rant about the unnecessary spike in adoption costs, or how unsettling it is to put a price tag on a child's chance at life....that's not my fight.  My fight is to be a mommy to another child who God so graciously puts into our family.  My fight is against the world so that this child sees the Love of Jesus and knows His peace...that's my fight....money or no money!

So much to be thankful for

But I still want more. 
Am I greedy? Sure
Selfish? yes
Desperate? at times

While my mom sits in a hospital room, I sit beside her praying for her health, her healing and her time.  I am so very thankful that the Lord wasn't ready for her to come home yet. I am thankful for the problems we were able to fix because of this incidence...and I want more.  I want peace for her.  Peace for the pain, peace from the loneliness of the hospital, and peace from the stress of watching your family go on without you.  I want comfort for her from pain and the sadness of an injury; and I want strength for her to push through this and demand the things that are necessary to go home. 

Isaiah 41:10So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (NIV)

A blessing in disguise

We have had a busy, unexpected day.  My mother who is 74, fell early in the morning and broke a lot.  BUT we found out that she only had 1/2 the amount of blood in her body as she was suppose too.  If she hadn't fallen we wouldn't have known and she could have bled to death.  We don't know why she is losing blood but at least now they can replenish it. 

When you re frame this...today was truly a blessing...in a weird way.  I continue to pray for her pain relief and that the Lord will give her doctors the wisdom to find those answers and they will be good!!! 

Apple Picking

We go apple picking every year like most New Englanders.  This year was more like speed apple picking.  We fit it in between multiple events but we took the time to take pictures, which besides the apples themselves is the best part.  Can't wait to introduce our baby to this annual tradition.  :o )

This is the best picture we took, sad isn't it !

So proud to be a Mommy

I don't slow down well.  I have been a go go go type of person since I was in the womb...ask my mommy :o)  But with the new direction our life is heading and my ever growing boys, It was time to slow down and enjoy being a mommy, and a wife. 

So the last few weeks I've slowed down, which means we've slowed down and I finally feel I'm getting the hang of it. I've been able to make breads, plan meals, and keep on top of a few things.  We've even had some fun...

These guys remind me that the job God gave me as Mommy is one of the most important, and I'm so proud to be their mommy. 

This Roller Coaster Ride called process

OK so just when I think I've come to terms with His time, circumstances show me I'm not.  This roller coaster ride that is the matching process is just the beginning but I wish we could skip this part.  With every call, I wonder is this "the call".  With every email from our agency there is hope...then there is nothin'. 

We were waiting a long four days waiting for the decision from one birth family when another opportunity presented itself.  Both have not panned out, but I know our baby will come...God is trying hard to teach me patience.  I'm learning Lord, I'm learning...slow as it may be.  Can we know our baby now? :o)

Relief??

Romans 12:2:

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

Wow, what relief could I have if this was how I could always see life?! 

Clean?

Have you ever wiped a table you thought was clean and turned your rag over and see the gunk your supposedly clean table was still holding on to?

Today I was struck while doing this task.  I thought I was a reasonably "clean" when it came to this adoption.  Most of my concerns I've posted here on my blog or spoken to close friends or family about.  But as I continue to read blogs, stories, see pictures and pray my heart is still soiled with the hurting of children in other countries.  I see the pictures of kids with no blankets, I hear stories of children who are left with no one to love them, answer their cries, or wipe their noses.  Those are the children I ache to help, and yet we are adopting domestically. 

When we started this process I wanted to adopt a child from Ethiopia.  My wonderful hubby wanted to adopt domestically...the only two things we were in agreement about was 1) we ARE adopting 2)we would prefer a baby.  After much prayer... and Ethiopia closing to adoption, we set the paperwork in motion to adopt domestically. 

Now 7 months into that descsion I am wanting to change our plans, change our homestudy and change our family.  I am put off by how some agencies act with domestic adotion.  We have two wonderful agencies that we are working with, but have had contact with others and have heard stories that are scary. 

So what now... This isn't an easy decision for us and having an accountant husband who keeps me grounded, we will continue on this path for now.  Our baby is out there and God knows their name!  We have decided that if in March/ April we haven't been matched that we will begin the process to change our homestudy to international.  But however this child comes to us, whether domestically or internationally, I will continue to help the 147 million out there without their forever home.  Once your heart is touched to adopt you can no longer ignore their unanswered cries...

First day of School!

Our boys started school today!!



Our 4th Grader (at a new school)



Our kindergartner (at a new school...he he)



The day wasn't without its hiccups. 

• We missed our bus in the morning because we had forgotten Tyler's glasses, which is a must for the first day don't you think :op .  Then again... our whole street missed the bus.  
• When Dylan was returning from school there was a bus boo boo, the big bus couldn't fit up our tiny road, and an hour later I was picking him up from school.   

The highlights of the day were:

• A free Mcflurry for Dylan (the lady had made an extra one)
• A free homework pass for Tyler for winning a scavenger hunt at school
• Tae left his friends at lunch to go sit with a kid who was in a wheelchair who was sitting alone.
• Dylan said as I picked him up..."It was a good day but they didn't teach me to read yet!"
• Enjoying the chocolate cake that Tyler made for dessert

Such a full day!!!

Boy's Day Out!

The Boy's went to a minor league game today...can you tell who's rooting for who?  My Ty likes to be the odd man out, the one who roots for the other team.  Don't get me wrong he know that the Yankees are the best and are his favorite at all major league games, but minor league gives him room to experiment...they are after all the home team. 

So here my Boy's are before their day out (which means Mom's day in, whatever will I do with all this time on my hand :o))

*P.S. Dylan is a lot more excited then he looks.  He's posing to show you that he has "Go Yankees" on one arm and the NY symbol on the other. 

MY plan

Reminder alert: This is a personal blog....with that said, I'm sorry for expressing my flaws all the time.  It's how I put myself back on track.  This blog is like my therapy :o)

I'm struggling with not being in control.  The beginning of work and school is a stressful time for me until I get it under control, my control, my plan.  I was struck this morning by how I am eagerly anticipating my kids going back to school so that MY plans can come into the picture.  I dream of getting up at 6 with my hubby, going for a walk, making hot chocolate and having my time with my Lord, then getting to the laundry, and preparing for dinner.

Not to say my plans aren't good, but they are MY plans.  I have been so busy this last week that I have forgotten to listen to God's plan.  I struggle when my plans don't play out.  I struggle to have the happy heart necessary for the work I do as a Mother, Wife, & Therapist. 

The adoption process doesn't help my planning spirit either.  I can make no plans (bad grammar I know but it's how it came out...remember personal blog :o))  I am asked about when baby is coming all the time...I have no idea and that is so hard for me, the planner.  But I am ever confident in God's timing and I remember that this is a growing process that I am to learn something from.  I will continue to strive to surrender myself to the Lord's time and plan...not my own, no matter how hard it gets.  (If I write it down you can hold me to it, and I can look back and remember my promise.)

His Will

With Hurricane Irene here I have had time to read.  Maybe too much time to read.  We received from our agency the Adoptive Families Magazine.  There are some really great articles, some make me think a little too much. 

I am questioning whether domestic adoption is the best choice for our family.
Did I offend or say something wrong in my birth mom letter?
Is our profile picture wrong?
Am I prepared for the ups and downs?
Am I negatively effecting my children?

There is so much about this process that I can't control.  And the stress builds.  Then I remember that
I am not in control of anything and that when I surrender my worries to Christ He always takes care of me.  He will hold me through the sorrows, celebrate with me in the joys, and guide me the entire way.  If I just shut up and listen, His plan is perfect. 

God continues to teach me through this process about His control, when I surrender to Him my heart is at peace. 

Tonight I will sleep at peace in his will!

Do you know this song??

I am a music lover.  Songs touch me like nothing else can.  I feel them and they truly touch my heart.  About 2 1/2 years ago I was looking on a friends facebook page.  They had a music video of a christian singer who sang a beautiful song that made me cry.  It featured adopted children & parents.  It was shot on a beach with the artist sitting behind a piano on the beach.  The singer was bald I think.  As it continues you see parents with their children walking together and a little girl running to be picked up by her mommy.  I've looked through YouTube a lot especially at Mark Schultz but have yet to find it. 

After seeing that video, I showed my husband and I grew ever more convinced that this was what the Lord would want someday for us.  I prayed, and prayed, and at one point thought his answer to our prayers was no, when it was really not yet. 

I want to find that song!  I don't know who sang it.  I don't know the title or even the lyrics, just the images in my head.   It was so touching.

If you know of it I'd greatly appreciate a title.  That song is one of the reasons we are where we are today. 

My one and only time I ask... Promise!!

Fundraising!  Doesn't the name itself sound great but the act of doing so is really hard, especially for me.  I know it is part of this process and it comes a close second to the hardest part of this adoption (which was the "dear Birth Mom" letter).

So here goes my fundraising...
We are selling these pretty butterfly dangle beads for European style bracelets.  These beads would be pretty for a necklace charm too.  Not only do these beads support bringing our baby home but they also serve as a reminder of your love for our family.   Butterflies have long represented new life and we feel this is so fitting for a charm that will represent this new chapter of our life and the new baby.  

We are selling the beads for $10.  You can contact us via facebook or leave a comment here and we'll get back to you.  :o)

We can't begin to thank you enough for your support and generosity in this process.  Whether you can support us by buying a bead or saying a prayer, we appreciate and will remember the love that has been shown to our unknown baby and our family!  God's blessings to you!!

Family Outing

It isn't very often, I'm sad to say, that we have gotten to get away for a day trip.  We had our week at the beach but summer is one of the few times you can jet off for a day and do something you don't normally do.  Well today we did.  We went to a cartoon museum and it was great. Nothing talked, flashed, or moved.  It was simple fun, and such a nice change of pace. 
There were lots of photo ops and we took advantage of almost all of them.  Here are just a few to capture our trip. 

My mom found someone she's taller than...

My dad found someone taller than him

The kids found their favorite characters

and we made some great memories too.

We ended our day with some ice cream...Muddy sneakers was the ice cream flavor favorite...you'll have to experience that flavor for yourself. 

Life interrupted...

I had a whole other post planned to write tonight, about summer and going by so fast.  Then life interrupted.  We have been struggling with an interference in our boys.  Not sure if it's the food we are eating or the electronics they are playing, or the impending changes (adoption, school starting, etc.) but something is just not right.  As a mom I can FEEL it.  I know that sounds odd but it's all I know. 

Tonight my oldest son had a rough night with his brother and being kind in general.  So as a consequence he had to do karate without his belt.  This seems like a small consequence but it left him feeling and telling his brother that he wanted to run away.  And my heart hurts just as much as his does at times like these. 

At bed time we talked and played through life scenario's.  We talked about why God made parents and that our job is to make sure that they grow up to be the men God wants them to be...trustworthy, God fearing, kind, compassionate men! And as God would have it, during our bed time prayer I said something that touch Tyler's heart and he "got it".  The tears flowed, encouragement flowed, and love flowed.  So clesha but truly how the night ended, it opened up a door to talk about the hard things in life and that as a family (and with God's strength) we help get though anything together.

As a mom it was a very emotional and heart filling night.  I saw Tyler ache at choices he made and feel forgiveness and strength in his family support.  God is so GOOD!! 

Just like being pregnant...

As my fabulous sister -in- law says it feels like I'm pregnant we just don't know how long.  When you're pregnant you begin to wonder... hope... plan.  I have been hoping and wondering since we started this process.  I have left planning out because the date is unknown and it hurts too much to plan.  To plan means baby is coming, and we have NO idea when that could be.  Yet I continue to pray every day for the babies that need homes and the one that will find their way into our hearts & home. 

So I have begun to plan.  Our interest last week sparked me to feel the need to plan just a little.  In a typical adoption, we will find out we are matched about 2 to 3 months prior to the due date, which is plenty of time to plan and prepare.  But as we saw last week we could find out the day baby is born, or baby could be early.  So I have decided to let down my guard just a little and bring the co-sleeper to my house.  I have a car seat, just the essentials for now.  But I have begun to plan and that step alone opens my heart to what God has in-store.

Our First Disappoimtment.....

Yesterday was one of those days that I dreamed about.  We got a email asking if we would like our profile to be shown to ASAP to a Birth mom who delivered a baby girl early yesterday morning.  Baby girl is 6lbs 12 oz and was born in Virginia. 

So the frantic effort began to get paperwork & profiles sent to them, but our agency didn't get the clearance paperwork to them in time and our profile wasn't shown.  There is a slight chance that it might be shown today but its slim. 

It makes me sad to think of this little girl in her clear bassinet with no one by her side.  It makes me sad to think of this birth mom with the stress of this decision.  I pray that she finds peace with her choice and that she found the right family to give her that peace. 

I'm disappointed but not discouraged.  This is the ups and down of adoption.  And I'm surprisingly (I'm surprised at myself) at peace with it.  I know that I am not in control and am perfectly content with that.  I know that this will not be our last disappointment, AND that God will hold us through the ups and downs until our baby is home and beyond. 

How we spent our summer vacation : a picture story

We have a lot of down time at that beach.  Which I have to say is  REALLY nice.  These are the highlights of our trip.  The pictures I forgot to take were of the daily walks to the little store for candy, slushies, and ice cream, the breakfast chaos (17 people trying to eat in a three bedroom cottage :), or the peaceful moments just enjoying our time together.  These are memories our children hold onto and continue to talk about long into the winter months, by February they are already beginning to plan what they'll do the following year at the beach.  These are memories:

Tae gets to catch up on his books (we go to the local buck a book store while there and get books for the beach)

 We put puzzles together on the porch (the other half of the family put puzzles together, I just take pictures and sort side pieces)

 We go crabbing....

 any time of day...

We find rocks and throw them in the water.

More crabbing...

 Find drift wood (he's very proud of his find)

Get some time with each kiddo.

 Tye Dye t-shirts

 pose for pictures

 and enjoy our family.

There were so many great pictures of the fun we had with our extended family, but since I didn't ask permission these pictures will have to do.  The beach for us is such a fabulous family renewing time, and I am very thankful for all the fun we had!!

Vacation

This week we've been on vacation at the beach. And the best part is the opportunity we have to just be. That is something that is truly missed when we are at home with work, karate, doctor appointments, camp... You get the picture.
Pictures will follow when we get home because the Internet is sparse here, and I like that.

I have had the opportunity to take some morning quiet time to sit on the rocks at the beach and listen to some quiet music, pray, wonder, listen, and think. This is my time to settle and be with God. I love it. It's part of why I love this trip so much each year.
This year I do more wondering then usual. I wonder what next year will be like. Will our precious baby be here? How old will they be? What will they look like? How long will we wait? I pray for comfort for the birth mom, and her family. I pray for patience for us while we wait and wonder.

Whatever this year brings God's got our backs and I know with him all things will go according to His plan and I take comfort in that. He made the stars, beautiful beaches and chocolate cupcakes ;0). He can handle this.
Can't wait for what next years vacation!!

My boy turns 9

Each birthday is a great milestone.  This year Tyler decided to celebrate his 9th birthday by having a big back yard party.  We gave him a budget and decided on what was most important to him...he wanted lots of friends.  Knowing that he could only do that with a home party he decided on a large water party complete with 3D shark slip n slide, face painting (done by his talented cousin), and water guns and balloons galore!  He invited 29 kids and luckily only 12 came (I'm not completely crazy, we know from past experience that this week in the summer a lot of people are on vacation).

It was 2 hours of pure chaos and Tyler LOVED every minute of it.  Everyone was wet by the time the party was over, but no one went home bored. 

What can I say...Tyler puts on a great party!!

So I heard I'm neglecting my post :O).  I guess because there is no pressing news.  I passed my really big test, the books went out, and our profile was shown to one mother.  That's it...now we just wait.  I think it's better not to know when you're book is being shown...no build up.

The boys have been talking a lot lately about when their baby comes...
they will give them this toy
they will tell this friend
they will get their room decorated like this (Super Mario Bros theme)

They look at others babies and ask if their baby will be that big/small/cute/hairy.  I LOVE that they are beginning to look at this adoption in a personal way.  That this new child will be in our lives forever and will become their sibling forever. Which will change their world. 

I know the wait will be hard and for the boys they want things NOW, but for now we patiently wait for God's time (right now it's patiently, talk to me in 6 months and I'm sure I won't be so patient;), and pray for all the individuals involved in this process. 

Productive day in our process

Today was an eventful day for us in this adoption process.  Our Life Book was put up on the adoption agency's website and we received a call from our home agency asking if we would like our profile shown on Wednesday...well duh...of course :o)

This means we have to get a book to them ASAP so I am sitting with our ever so slow printer, printing out one copy to be sent.  I shouldn't get excited but there is a little glimmer of antisipation in my tummy.  There is also a filicker of sadness too.  For the birth mom who is making this decsion.  I pray the Lord will give her peace in whatever desicion she makes and will wrap her in his glorious grace. 

S'More Fun!

I love S'mores and for our family there seems to be a healing quality about them.  Our day was rocky and moods were off...

We found dye free marshmallows (they are really hard to find) at the dollar store of all places, lit the fire pit, smelled the wood, and began to roast...we were interrupted briefly by a run away dog (our dog got out and the boys chased her down), then back to the building of our s'mores...

Yummmmmm!!!

All is right with our world again.  Moods changed, tummies full, happy family.

Let the wait begin...

I am...I mean we're done with the Life book! It's 12 pages long and just doesn't seem long enough to tell about all that God has given us and the joys we share in our family.  But it's done, not perfect but neither is our family...right?!  My fabulous brother in law will copy it for us this week and then it will be off to Georgia.

My husband is cheap frugal.  So when he said "we can even overnight it", I know he's excited to get this started.  Not to mention he checks the adoption web page constantly to check for our picture...so cute.  That's why I love him, just when I think I'm the only one hoping, wishing, and praying he reminds me I'm not.  We have a plethora of family, friends, and children doing just that.  Praying for us, the birth parents and the little baby we will bring home one day.  Thank you again...all of you for your prayers and support. 

Now we just wait.  And like I said before God's timing is perfect.  I'm prepared to wait... now.  I can't really explain what that means, I guess I'm at peace with this step of the process... now.  :o)

I doubt...again

I look on our agency site and they have couples lifebooks there.  So I look and I see beautifully created cohesive pages and stories.  I look at the one I'm putting together and I doubt.  I doubt the style, color, choices, and pictures.  Maybe I'm adding too much, but I want the birth family to know as much about us (and the life their child will be given) as possible.

I'm trying to stay positive and remember this book is for a specific God chosen family.  He knows who I need to touch and what I need to say...and I'll take comfort in that. 

So I will take my doubt and worry to the Lord and trust in his guidence. 

O Lord my God, In thee have I put my trust...
Psalm 7:2

I love Sundays!

Sunday seems to be the time I have a chance to blog. I recap the week in my head, I guess and think about all the opportunities God has been gracious enough to give us.  Like a relaxing and yummy dinner with Grammy & Grampy, snuggles on the couch, and visits with friends. 
Also, our 5 year old "Graduated" this weekend...(which is really just ceremonial because nothing will change when he goes to preschool on Monday but he was so proud putting on that hat)

Our older son, Tyler, tried green beans AND green peppers tonight.  That is an amazing feat for him and I am so proud.  He didn't like either of them (I don't blame him...yuck) but he tried!!

We had lots of opportunity for family time as well this week which is always a blessing.  It also gets me to thinking about what our family will be like with another child.  I think about how events, games, or stories will be different with our new little one.  I can't help it, my mind just wonders.  :o) And because it's Sunday I can just let it wonder, and wonder, and wonder about the future & that little gift God has waiting for us...for love. 

Here's what I love about Sundays:

Song by Craig Morgan "That's what I love about Sundays" (warning..it's country :o)

I started...

OK, so I couldn't help it...I started our life book.  But just as quickly as I started I stopped.  So overwhelmed by the small space to share sooooo much.  This book will tell the birth parents who we are as a family.  Its such a small space for all the experiences I want to share. 

I have a family page, a beach page, a holiday/party page, a Dylan page, a Tyler page, a Steve & Michelle Page, and a cousin page.  I have to get a picture of our house and a church page.  I'm sure I'll think of more pages but I'm limited to 15 pages (8 1/2 by 11). 

We have our birth parent letter done for Georgia but Connecticut wants a different type of letter.  So I'll start that soon.  But first I study...test on Thursday then I can fully focus on our book for our baby. 

FBI Fingerprints are in!!!!!!

Those words have never been so excitng in all my life.  It means we'll have the first draft of our home study by the weekend.  It means we are about a week or so away from the report being sent and our profiles being avalible to show!!! 

I'm so excited!!!  Now I have lots to finish.  Our "dear birthparent" letter for Georgia is finished but we have to finish up our Connecticut letter and I have to get the pictures put on the pages.  So much to do but now I'm motivated...unfortunately... I have to study for a very big test next week so this motivation will have to wait.  But I'll tuck it away till next Friday.... :o)

My heart waits...

I get the question all the time..."how's the adoption going?"  I love that question!!! I have nothing new to say but I love to share.  Right now all I can say is We wait....still waiting for fingerprint clearance.  Days and weeks seem like forever right now.  The boys ask, is the baby coming soon, is the baby a boy or a girl, can they sleep in my room.  I want to have answers to their questions, I want a picture, or a story but we wait.  That is the story of our life right now.  All in God's time.

We have days that are crazy, and schedules that are crazier.  And I just can't wait to add one more!!! My heart waits to meet our baby, to hold them, comfort them, and share them.  My heart waits to give love to them that is meant for no one else but them.  My heart waits to see their two big brothers hold them, and love them (which will include annoying them:)  My heart waits to see their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friend give them the love they deserve.  My hearts waits for the hearing of their first word, the first boo-boo, and the first hug.  My heart waits to see my husband become a dad again in a totally different way. 

My heart will help my head when things get tough, when money is tight and emotions are high.  My heart will help lead me through the tough times that might be ahead.  As my heart waits it grows stronger in Christ and more dependant on His strength. 

My heart waits for this child that God will so graciously bless us with.  His timing is perfect of this I am sure.  Until that day...my heart waits.

Prayers

Ok, so I don't feel like my usual optomistic self today.  The Lord has a plan, I'm sure of that... it just hasn't been revealed to me yet.  That makes me stressed. 
How will this all work?
Is it possible?
How will I take off at least 6 weeks?
Child Care?
Food?, Diapers?, Money?, arrangements?
How to do what is best for the baby and the rest of my family?

Today has been a day of prayers for me.  I seem to spend time in constant prayer when things don't feel quite right. 
As I make a poster for our church both announcing our plans to adopt and asking for their support I titled it "Prayers Needed".  I feel like that is never more accurate then now.  I could use your prayers.  Prayers for strength, clarity, wisdom, and peace.
Thanks for your prayers in advance. :o)

Letting go!

One more thing on our checklist to adoption complete.  Our home visit is D.O.N.E.  She came on my birthday and I couldn't have asked for a greater gift.  All the build up, stress, and cleaning that lead to the hour and half visit which consisted of about a five minute walk around the house and she didn't even look at the basement (which was really a good thing but we cleaned it :o).  The last thing we are waiting for is the FBI clearance to come back.  Then our Home Study can be released and we can have our profile shown.

We have also decided to change our preference for the sex of the child to either a boy or a girl.  As much as I would LOVE to have tights as part of my child's wardrobe, I know that our family will be just as happy with a boy.  This will allow our profile to be shown to birth parents who choose not to find out the sex of their child.  And ultimately God is in control, so He will make the best choice for us.  I've got to tell you...boy was it hard to let that go.  I like to be in control and I'm a planner, and giving up this control was tough, BUT I know for me this is how I let go and fully allow my trust to be in Him.  He's already given me two fantastic boys and I know this child (whether boy or girl) is perfect for our family!!

Life Book

I questioned even posting about this.  As many know this is a personal blog for me.  It's to share my (and our) excitement, struggles, and progress.  If I offend I'm sorry.  This struggle is about the tool that is a necessary part of bringing our child home.  People have asked me what happens if the birth parents don't like any of the profiles/ life books they are presented with.  Well, some will choose to parent that child themselves and the statistics for parents who sought adoption and then choose to parent instead have a high DCF involvement rate.

Adoption is so different depending on your chocies.  We have choosen private adoption as it fits best with our family.  But the life book seems like a pled with a mom to give us her baby.  There are so many children out there who need loving homes that it frustrates me to have to pled with anyone to give up their baby.  It's not a ham or a house but a baby.  It's a great design I know, having a birth mom choose her child's family.  It leads to more comfort about her decision, and a say in how this child is raised.  It also leads to the child knowing so much more about where they came from and why they were put up for adoption.  This is great for the child.  But I can't help but feel the life book cheapens it or maybe it's just my fear of not getting choosen.  However long it takes I know that we are suppose to add another child to our family through adoption.

In the end I need to get over it.  I need to stop worrying about what others think and begin to follow what we feel God's calling us to do.  Who cares if people think we're selfish to adopt domestically.  Who cares if I have to go through putting together a book that sells us as a great family (we are great ;o).  I care about the little baby that God has waiting just for us and that no matter how long we wait or what hoops we have to jump through this baby needs our home and we need them!

Progress

I'm amazed what can happen when there is a deadline.  Our home visit (that will complete our home study) is only 12 days away. It also happens to be on my birthday, what a great gift!! But today we managed to tear down a collapsed shed (with help of course...thanks Ken:o) and to clean and organize an entire room.  That doesn't sound like much of a feet but add six children to the mix and you can see just how amazing that was!

Now on to the life book...that's another post :o)

Short thought

As I continue to read about Trans-racial adoption I am struck by just how much thought needs to go into being their family.  As a mom I think about T's sensitivity, activeness, and love for people.  For D I think of his need to explain himself, be heard, and attention to family.  With this new baby there will be the need to focus on attachment, answering questions, and keeping as much of their culture as possible. I am excited to meet that challenge!!!

Off to write a "Dear Birthparent" letter... wish us luck. :0)

Dance parties are good for the soul...

I have a lot of thoughts in this blog...just a warning to hang on around the curves :0)

No matter what I'm feeling when my children ask me to dance, the whole world stops.  I love to twist, spin, and make up silly dances together.  Dancing has always been a part of me (I danced for 15 years), and it's a part of my children, Music and dance sooth both of my children.  Sometimes I forget about this simple joy. 

We accomplished another step closer to our baby today.  We received word that we are approved for the Georgia agency!!  Yay!!  With the completion of the home study we can begin to have our profile shown. I love when there are things to do to prepare for the adoption, it makes the waiting easier.

As I read blogs and see people receive their baby I ache for our baby. We still have a long journey ,I keep the birth family and the baby meant for our family in my prayers every night. I pray for the children of the world to feel the love of Jesus through the parents that raise them.   

I've been struggling a little with our choice to adopt domestically. Not on the choice but whether we are  doing enough to help orphans.  I hear stories and read about the need for children across oceans.  Their need to feel the love of someone tucking them in at night, or reading them a bed time story, or respecting their voice, or to give them proper medical care, food and a blanket.  I pray...asking God to show me where we can be of service...
Then after praying about it I found this blog:

http://joiningthejourney.blogspot.com/2010/10/domestic-adoptionorphan-or-not.html


I know God has a plan and that this is the road for our family.  I am thankful for so much and today especially for dance parties :0).

 

Turning 5!

Our baby turned five today!!  He has grown into his big personality.
One thing I love about birthday days is that the day celebrates them.  I heard T say many times today...ok D because it's your birthday you can go first.  I love the respect, if only it would last. But tomorrow morning all will go back to normal.  Decorations will be down, breakfast will return to normal, and the brother love will cease to exist (at least outwardly). 
D said after blowing out his birthday candles..."mommy I wished for the best birthday ever, and this was it!" AHHHHHH!

What to say?

What to talk about...?  Normally when I write I know exactly what I want to talk about.  Tonight, not so much.  I could talk about my 2 fabulous and busy boys.  Who have said when the baby comes they could have all of their OLD  stuff...(sweet huh?!)

Or  my great, loving, strong, fabulous husband (I'll stop before it gets tooo mushy :o)

or about the precious baby we wait for God to reveal to us....

but my mind leads to the what if's....

What if the home study isn't approved?

What if no one picks us?

What if the birth parents decided not to go through with the adoption?

What if we are hurt?

What if , what if , what if??????

I push those "What if's" aside each day knowing that what is God's plan will surely come.  I am not unaware of the struggles we might face (as I'm reminded by the stories people share with me about their friends struggles to adopt), but I am confident in God's love and grace to see us through. I don't want to dwell on the hard part so I continue to plan (that's my coping strategy). So...

S goes for his visit this week with the Social Worker, then we schedule the BIG home visit!!  I better get cleaning and organizing now :O) I'm am so excited for that day.  It means all of our part is done and we move on to the approval processes, the profile making, and the waiting...but that's for another story.